torn up inside has this been real ?

I may not know you, but I know for a fact that no one deserves to be treated like that. If that guy is doing things behind your back and not being honest with you, then he is NOT worthy of your trust or love. If you're trying to make the relationship work and he isn't, then you deserve someone better since he is not committed to you. I don't think you're freaking out, you're just speaking from the heart, there is nothing wrong with that, and I know this because I've been hurt, lied to, and betrayed, A LOT, I've even been used for money and crap, and letting go is very difficult.

Knowing him, from what you've said so far, if you confront him, he may lie about it, or make up some crazy story and try to make you seem like the bad one. I understand you love him, but you have to think about your happiness too, and YOUR health, because being so stressed and worried about if he'll change for the better, if he doesn't, it may end up being harder on you. But you're not alone.

I once gave a woman 5 years of my life, I trusted her, I loved her, and I was honest with her. She saw fit to turn on me and call me every name in the book, just because I was giving her good advice, (yeah, that actually happened) and it wasn't just once it was multiple times, and do you know what I did? I let her go, blocked her on FB and deleted her number, never spoke to her again, because she wasn't sincere, she was purposely trying to cause me stress and belittle me, and I was not having that. I wanted to make it work, but her lack of honesty broke my trust in her, and without trust, there is no love.

When you respect and love someone, and they don't show you the same, that is a toxic relationship / friendship since you're the one trying to hold everything together, when it takes TWO to make it work. But please don't let it scare or frighten you, because trust me, if he is lying on you, then he is NOT worth it, and HE is the one that should be scared.

That's all I have to say, you can take this however you want, or you can ignore it, but whatever happens, please don't let it break you. You're a beautiful woman, you have your whole future ahead of you, there are other people that need you, and you are ALIVE for a reason. Remember that.

Take care.